Things That Piss me Off #2

It pisses me off when they pair Ramsey Noah and a local chick as lead roles in a Nollywood movie, and instead of Ramsey to dull down his accent, he takes it up a notch, and the chick, hoping to outdo him, starts trying to do her own foreign accent, except her own sounds tacky and really local.

It pisses me off when I get something new, like a phone or some new gadget, and people want to open it for me and test it for me like I am crippled or something.

It pisses me off when I’m supposed to have a test, and I’ve read the whole textbook, except the last two pages just cos I thought they were irrelevant, only to discover that that’s actually where the questions are coming from.

It pisses me off when I ask someone a question and they’re like “Eh!” but if you chill for a second, suddenly their head reboots, and they answer it. OMG, I do that to pple to.

It pisses me off when I’m asked a question in class, and I barely know the answer, and then when they ask a random classmate the same question, instead of answering the question lightly, she quotes a whole fracking paragraph of the textbook, and even goes ahead to give references to other textbooks, like she needs to show the teacher just how dumb I am.

It pisses me off when I’m following instructions from a video, maybe on YouTube, on a project, and even though I do exactly what the instructor says, I get the wrong result, meanwhile the instructor who’s also doing it, gets a perfect result. Don’t think we viewers don’t know you messed up too, and edited the video so we think you got it.

It pisses me off when every tom, Dick and Harry thinks they can afford the luxury of having haters, then when you sit back and look at their life or what they’ve done to have haters, you can’t see anything.

It pisses me off when someone takes over my duty or job, and does it way better than me, and everyone expects me to be jealous and all, but I am not, but because I think everyone expects me to be, I try to put up a very happy face to show that I’m really not bothered, but it comes out all fake, indirectly confirming their thoughts.

It pisses me off when people try to use big words in their sentences just to make them feel important, but when you look into the dictionary to find the meaning, you realize that the words have nothing to do with the context it was used in.

It also pisses me off when people use meaningful but big words to make them feel super, when there were other simpler words to use. Then you blame your neighbors, calling them wicked for not coming out to help you when your house was on fire. How the frack do you expect them to know that CONFLAGRATION! Means fire.

It pisses me off when people lick their cue tips (I knew them as cotton boards back in those days) before cleaning their ears with it. Jeez! Don’t you think if it was necessary, the manufactures would have provided a liquid companion?

An Idiot's POV, on how to become successful

Okay this is probably going to be the most adult post I am ever going to put out, so allow me the liberty, (clears throat and flexes fingers). Please take the title of this post seriously, it's an idiot's point of view so this post is idiotically correct and there will be proofs.


The criteria to be successful and famous are

1. YOU MUST HAVE HAD A REALLY HOPELESS BACKGROUND: And by hopeless I don't mean you have a house and a car but you’re swimming in debts. No I mean hopeless, as in you have no house, no job, you live on welfare, even cockroaches run away from you. If you had a mean father and a drunk of a mum, PERFFECTTTTT! Let's take a look at some examples.

MAMA J, for instance though her mum wasn't a drunk, you get the point. She wasn't all that happy with her father, and she was leaving in squalor. Seriously it works. Go on sell off all your stuffs, have them burnt or something, and start from scratch and see what happens. It also makes for great press story, imagine if MAMA J had been writing ever since and decided to do Harry Potter series as her second series or something, it won't have that grand effect, people would be like "Oh well, she was always rich so this is just an added bonus and then she'll get maybe a week or two of press attention, and that's all. Need I talk about Will smith's back ground, Li ka shing lost his father, Roman Abramovich was an orphan (It gets better) Mama O, aka Oprah was born to an unwed teenager in Mississippi, Richard Desmond's parents were divorced. Notice the trail of hopeless beginnings, if this does not send you a message I have no idea what else will, and it’s an Idiots point of view.



2. YOU MUST HAVE BEEN REJECTED AT ONE POINT IN YOUR LIFE:
At least you must have received a rather nasty bout of rejections, the more the better, and in conjunction with my first criterion, it makes for a good back story, and you get to gloat at those that rejected you. Mama J is one solid example, HARRY POTTER was rejected by twelve publishers, then we have Stephanie Meyer to whom an agent went as far as telling that she couldn't write a good story to save her life, and the greatest of all, Amanda Hockings, who was rejected by everybody and decided to do it on her own, and now she is one of the highest selling indie author.
So my dears if you've been doing so good that you have never gotten a rejection, you're doing something very wrong, and chances are that you'll remain mediocre.

3. YOU MUST DO SOMETHING SO ABNORMAL OR DISGUSTING OR SO WEIRD THAT IT SEEMS AS IF IT RELATES TO THE OCCULT...
I just have two words and a picture for you all, Lady
GAGA

4. YOU MUST THINK OF SOMETHING SPONTANEOUSLY AND OUT OF THE BLUES:
To all those planners, careful people, this is something you have to pay attention to. Look at JK ROWLING, "My train was running late and the idea just came into my head" and Stephanie Meyer, "I had this dream about a boy and a girl," she says exhilaratingly to Ellen DeGeneres. "But there was something about the boy, he was glittering, and he was a vampire." There's no better example than this. They both planned nothing, their ideas did not come as a result of months and months of planning, one thought of it and the other dreamed of it there. So all you novelists that plan and write from experience, I am sorry to burst your bubbles, you're doing it all wrong, don't plan, do something spontaneous.

5: IT HELPS IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP WITH YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS CALL YOU A LOSER:
This cannot be overemphasized because why, it gives you the extra torque to push you forward and prove them all wrong. Let’s take Mark Zuckerberg for example (DO NOT BOTHER TO COMMENT THAT IT'S A LIE MARK, I'LL SPAM YOU). Throw in a lawsuit which you win hands down, we've got the recipe for a perfect billionaire. So readers if you have friends who give you encouragement and who believe in you, ditch them and go for friends that are users, and ungrateful blithering idiots it works. FYI if you're a girl, get a boyfriend that beats you a lot, but there's a warning to that, you must have some kind of status already, if not RIRI won't have pulled it off with Chris Breezy. It's really not that difficult, try to get at least a thousand friends on face book anybody accepts anybody's friend request this days, provoke your boyfriend enough so he gets to beat you to a pulp (your other girlfriends should hide somewhere with cameras) then post it on you-tube, adding this "all I could do was just watch and pray that it would all stop."

6. IT HELPS IF YOU DIE IN THE MOST REMARKABLE WAY: Here are some examples.
a) Dying while trying to separate two lionesses going at each other.
b) Stepping in front of someone just in time to take a bullet for him.
c)Dying for a girlfriend, only for the press to discover she' s been cheating all this while, and is still doing so to heal her post-your-death depression.
d)Dying for your boyfriend (who's happily married by the way with four kids, and one is graduating high school in a week) and somehow letting the press know about this.
e) Or crashing a plane with the passengers just because you blame yourself for the mishap that happened at your house the other day.


7. YOU MUST HAVE BEEN MOLESTED AT ONE POINT IN YOUR LIFE: This point, the power of molestation, cannot be overemphasized and it's probably the most important. It almost cost me my life. It's a funny story actually I was doing a report on famous people who had been molested or traumatized and I came up with a lot of names. The patterns were similar, abusive dads, drunken mums, wicked brothers, corrupt uncles and aunties. So now, I take a bowl of cereals, walk up to my aunt Clara and show her my report asking her to molest me if she wants me to be popular and famous. Repulsed, she shoves me away but I beg and beg and finally, and with an exasperated sigh, she goes into her secret cupboard under the floorboard and brings out a bottle of Hydrochloric acid she has been saving for her husband, (that is if he ever returns) and threatens to pour it on me if I don't stop. Then she goes ahead to tell my parents who flog me to an inch of my life, and destroy my months of hard work and research. To mention a few people and to add some pictures, we have Mama O aka Oprah, Tyler Perry, Monique, need I mention more.
Maybe if they weren't molested they would not have reached where they are today.

SUMMARY: I might not be making any sense or this is an idiotic post, heck you might say all this info is wrong, but hey I'm an idiot posting on J.O Jones blog, so sit your ass down, read this till the very end, read it one last time, and add another idiotic criterion to becoming rich, and just in case you are in doubt, go to Google and type in world’s most successful idiot, my name is on the very top of FORBES LIST.

An Idiot's POV, on how to become successful

Okay this is probably going to be the most idiotic ost I am ever going to put out, so allow me the liberty, (clears throat and flexes fingers). Please take the title of this post seriously, it's an idiot's point of view so this post is idiotically correct and I have the evidence for it.

The criteria to be successful and famous are

1. YOU MUST HAVE HAD A REALLY HOPELESS BACKGROUND: And by hopeless I don't mean you have a house and a car but you’re swimming in debts. No I mean hopeless, as in you have no house, no job, you live on welfare, even cockroaches run away from you. If you had a mean father and a drunk of a mum, PERFFECTTTTT! Let's take a look at some examples.

MAMA J, for instance though her mum wasn't a drunk, you get the point. She wasn't all that happy with her father, and she was leaving in squalor. Seriously it works. Go on sell off all your stuffs, have them burnt or something, and start from scratch and see what happens. It also makes for great press story, imagine if MAMA J had been writing ever since and decided to do Harry Potter series as her second series or something, it won't have that grand effect, people would be like "Oh well, she was always rich so this is just an added bonus and then she'll get maybe a week or two of press attention, and that's all. Need I talk about Will smith's back ground, Li ka shing lost his father, Roman Abramovich was an orphan (It gets better) Mama O, aka Oprah was born to an unwed teenager in Mississippi, Richard Desmond's parents were divorced. Notice the trail of hopeless beginnings, if this does not send you a message I have no idea what else will, and it’s an Idiots point of view. 

2. YOU MUST HAVE BEEN REJECTED AT ONE POINT IN YOUR LIFE:

At least you must have received a rather nasty bout of rejections, the more the better, and in conjunction with my first criterion, it makes for a good back story, and you get to gloat at those that rejected you. Mama J is one solid example, HARRY POTTER was rejected by twelve publishers, then we have Stephanie Meyer to whom an agent went as far as telling that she couldn't write a good story to save her life,  and the greatest of all, Amanda Hockings, who was rejected by everybody and decided to do it on her own, and now she is one of the highest selling indie author.

So my dears if you've been doing so good that you have never gotten a rejection, you're doing something very wrong, and chances are that you'll remain mediocre.

3. YOU MUST DO SOMETHING SO ABNORMAL OR DISGUSTING OR SO WEIRD THAT IT SEEMS AS IF IT RELATES TO THE OCCULT...

I just have two words and a picture for you all, Lady Gaga

4. YOU MUST THINK OF SOMETHING SPONTANEOUSLY AND OUT OF THE BLUES: 

To all those planners, careful people, this is something you have to pay attention to. Look at JK ROWLING, "My train was running late and the idea just came into my head" and Stephanie Meyer, "I had this dream about a boy and a girl," she says exhilaratingly to Ellen DeGeneres. "But there was something about the boy, he was glittering, and he was a vampire." There's no better example than this. They both planned nothing, their ideas did not come as a result of months and months of planning, one thought of it and the other dreamed of it there. So all you novelists that plan and write from experience, I am sorry to burst your bubbles, you're doing it all wrong, don't plan, do something spontaneous.

5: IT HELPS IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP WITH YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS CALL YOU A LOSER:

This cannot be overemphasized because why, it gives you the extra torque to push you forward and prove them all wrong. Let’s take Mark Zuckerberg for example (DO NOT BOTHER TO COMMENT THAT IT'S A LIE MARK, I'LL SPAM YOU). Throw in a lawsuit which you win hands down, we've got the recipe for a perfect billionaire. So readers if you have friends who give you encouragement and who believe in you, ditch them and go for friends that are users, and ungrateful blithering idiots it works. FYI if you're a girl, get a boyfriend that beats you a lot, but there's a warning to that, you must have some kind of status already, if not RIRI won't have pulled it off with Chris Breezy. It's really not that difficult, try to get at least a thousand friends on face book anybody accepts anybody's friend request this days, provoke your boyfriend enough so he gets to beat you to a pulp (your other girlfriends should hide somewhere with cameras) then post it on you-tube, adding this "all I could do was just watch and pray that it would all stop." 

6. IT HELPS IF YOU DIE IN THE MOST REMARKABLE WAY: Here are some examples.

a) Dying while trying to separate two lionesses going at each other.

b) Stepping in front of someone just in time to take a bullet for him.

c)Dying for a girlfriend, only for the press to discover she' s been cheating all this while, and is still doing so to heal her post-your-death depression.

d)Dying for your boyfriend (who's happily married by the way with four kids, and one is  graduating high school in a week) and somehow letting the press know about this.

e) Or crashing a plane with the passengers just because you blame yourself for the mishap that happened at your house the other day.

7. YOU MUST HAVE BEEN MOLESTED AT ONE POINT IN YOUR LIFE: This point, the power of molestation, cannot be overemphasized and it's probably the most important.  It almost cost me my life. It's a funny story actually I was doing a report on famous people who had been molested or traumatized and I came up with a lot of names. The patterns were similar, abusive dads, drunken mums, wicked brothers, corrupt uncles and aunties. SO I decided maybe it could work for me too.

So now, I take a bowl of cereals, walk up to my aunt Clara and show her my report asking her to molest me if she wants me to be popular and famous. Repulsed, she shoves me away but I beg and beg and finally, and with an exasperated sigh, she goes into her secret cupboard under the floorboard and brings out a bottle of Hydrochloric acid she has been saving for her husband, (that is if he ever returns) and threatens to pour it on me if I don't stop. Then she goes ahead to tell my parents who flog me to an inch of my life, and destroy my months of hard work and research. 

To mention a few more people, we have Mama O a.k.a Oprah, Tyler Perry, Monique, need I mention more.

Maybe if they weren't molested they would not have reached where they are today.

SUMMARY: I might not be making any sense or this is an idiotic post, heck you might say all this info is wrong, but hey I'm an idiot posting on J.O Jones blog, so sit your ass down, read this till the very end, read it one last time, and add another idiotic criterion to becoming rich, and just in case you are in doubt, go to Google and type in world’s most successful idiot, my name is on the very top of FORBES LIST.

STUPID QUESTIONS AND SARCASTIC REPLIES

I PARTICULARY get pissed when people are being sarcastic, especially to me, and it pisses me off more when they enjoy the fact that their sarcasm is making the other person it's directed at very angry and irritated. However, there are some questions, and situations that require sarcasm, below are a list of situations and questions that require the highest amount of sarcasm because they are either too obvious or too stupid to ask. RWS stands for reasons why the question is stupid.

 

 

1. At a restaurant, when someone asks you the waiter: IS THE RICE AND SHRIMP STEW GOOD?
   Answer: NO it's terrible, it's made from cement and cow dung, in fact we occasionally spit in it.
   RWS: Even if it's bad u don't expect the waiter to tell you it is, she obviously wnts 2 kip the job.

2. At a family get together when you see a very distant uncle or aunt you haven't seen in a while, and she says: Oh my, Jacob, you've grown really big.
Answer:Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
3. When you announce your wedding, and a friend asks: Is the Woman good?
Answer: NO, she's a lesbian, a whore, a wrestler and a husband beater... I'm in it because I have faith that she'll change.
  
4. When you get woken up at midnight with a phone-call, and the caller says: Sorry, where you asleep?
Answer: (After yawning, in ur most sleepy voice, you say:) No, I was conducting a research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa Marry or not. You must be really stupid to think I was sleeping.
5. When you see a friend with evidently shorter hair and you ask: Hey did you get a hair cut?
Answer: No, it's autumn, plus I have systemic lupus so I am shedding.
6. A friend is closing his eyes and about covering his head with a blanket and you ask: Are you trying to sleep?
Answer: Of course not, I am practising how to die. 

7. You're in ur office and a colleague comes to see you asking where another colleague is.
Answer: (After looking through your files, under your desk, and inside your pocket, you say: I have no idea and he's not in any of these places I just checked.
8.You're bleeding, and someone asks: Are you ok?
Answer: (after taking a good incredulous look at the fellow, say: Yes i'm fine I'm just sitting here bleeding cos it's fun.
9. Maybe you've just woken up and you're making breakfast, and ur mother says: Are you up already?
Answer: Of course not mum, I am sleepwalking 

10. When a friend needs a number and is scrolling through your phone and when he gets to the number, he says, “This is the number to FOOD IS GOOD right?”
Answer: No that's Victoria's Secret.
11. You're in an elevator and someone asks: Is this the elevator to go up  Answer: no this is the one to go sideways.
12. When you have your arm in strings and you're using crutches and your friends ask: What's wrong with you?
Answer: after taking a look at your crutches and stringed arm, say: I have a tooth ache.
13.  When you're at a bus stop waiting for a bus and someone comes up to you and ask: Are you waiting for a bus.
Answer: No, I am waiting for my flight
14.  When you're about going out in the rain and someone asks: Are you going out in this rain?
Answer: Nope, in the next one.
15.  When you return from somewhere and your spouse asks: Are you back?
Answer: No, this is just my spirit, my body will be back in a few days.
Now for all those who are fund of asking this stupid questions, either accidentally or cos you can't help it, come back to this blog again, and you'll see the best retaliation to sarcastic replies