When natural resources and Goodluck Jonathan are fucking up, magic can always be another resort

With the recent event with the fuel subsidy horror going on in Nigeria, I contacted the magical ministry of communication (their headquarters is currently in Egypt.) and they have provided us with a couple of suggestions for our transport activities. All are completely magically powered, no fuel required.

Coming up on number one, is a popular transport item. It has been in use since the 1930's in Asia, but only became popular world wide in the 1990's.

Yes you guessed right, it is the Bujumbura all purpose flying carpet. It comes with baggage space and can support a family of seven. Known to go very high altitudes and in cold periods, just a brush to the side creates and invisible fore field protecting its passengers from rain, intense heat or even bird poop.
It's completely safe and comes highly recommended as the number ONE family friendly transport system.

Coming in at number two, is another popular transport system, popular in the western countries, England and Scotland especially.

Yeah you got it, it's the broomstick. Known to fly at staggering speeds. It is really not suitable for family travel but attaching it to a special carriage will solve that problem. This model is the CHIARUMBARUSCURO, with a flight speed of 250 miles per hour. There are other cheaper models which exist but which go at a much lesser speed and altitude.

We have the CHIARUSCURO BRAND BELOW, it is an earlier version.

We also have the CHIAMRUMBA, which has been fitted with a self:cushioning charm to avoid uncomfortable pains in the buttock region during long journeys.

A much cheaper model, is the CHIAMAKA edition

Another option is the VANISHING MONITOR SCREEN. It works in conjuction with facebook and skype.

It works very easily. Simply get a friend to upload the current picture of the location you want to visit or go to,  and then by dialling 566284264723665 on your Skype interface, say "I solemnly regret voting for him." and wait just two seconds. IT can be very dangerous if not used properly, a couple of beta users ended up in the 1920's and 70's. Some even got themselves involved in conspiracies and stuff. Parental guidance is adviced.

The next on the list is...

The Americans always like to copy everything, and in a bid to make it better than the original they spoil things a bit. The Vacuumpalingax 261 is very effective in terms of speed but, it packs a lot of dust and sand, and it is known to cause giddiness and an intense feeling of being sucked down a tube.

The final items are not highly recommended except for the truly brave and insightful. They are transport animals such as

Hippogriffs

You can find most of em in Benin but you have to be extemely cooked because they cannot be seen with the naked eyes and if by accident you see them, chances are that they are the last things you'll see. They fly faster than any means of transport, and will attack anyone that tries to touch their riders which comes in handy with air robbery and stuffs like that.

we also have unicorns...

They are pretty useless since they can only be tamed and touched by virgins so, a lot of people won't be able to use this holy animal.

To get deals on all these means of transport please call 1800- I-solemnly-regret-voting-for-him, and I can work something out. Happy new year to ya'll.

Things That Piss me Off #3

It pisses me off when I ask someone for advice, and then they pause to think for a while before asking you what you think first. As if, if you knew what you think you would be having this conversation with them.

It pisses me off when someone advices me not to do something, but being me, I go ahead and do it, and when it backfires, they gloat and render that popular I told you so like it’s a fracking mantra.

It pisses me off when I’m trying to do something really difficult for someone, and just when I’m about getting a breakthrough the person impatiently comes and tries to take over, and then spoils everything finally. I always try to keep a straight face, but deep down I’m dying of laughter.

It pisses me off when Ajebutters try to form Ajepacos, and in the end they end up buying something worth 1000naira, for 35,000. Okay I exaggerated here, but you get.

It pisses me off when Some Nollywood actors and actresses try to act janded and use unnecessary cutlery in, and they’re not confident about it, or the food keeps dropping, or worse, the knife and fork are in the wrong hands. For Jenifa’s sake, use spoon.  The keyword is some

It pisses me off when you comment on how nice someone’s outfit is, and instead of saying “Thanks” he/she tells you “I know.” When in the first place you were only trying to make them feel good about themselves, and the outfit was truly horrible.

It pisses me off when people lie to me stupidly, like I’m an idiot. If I am being lied to, I expect to be lied to properly and with some respect.

It Pisses me off when people ask for followers on twitter then when they get their huge numbers, they unfollow you.

It pisses me off when I try to call someone and they don’t pick, then the next moment you try calling again, their numbers are busy. Seriously, am I that irrelevant.

It pisses me off when my internet subscription is ended and I’m in a WIFI hot spot zone but when I try to log in I discover they’re all password protected.

It pisses me off when parents compare us kids to other kids as if they’re so much better than us.

It pisses me off when I’m not sure if the subtweet if for me or not.

It pisses me off when I’ve gotten comfortable under my blanket, and suddenly I realize I have to go to the toilet.

It pisses me off when I decided that I would go to bed early in order to wake up to read, instead I spend the whole night watching movies.

It pisses me off when a student gets 93% in his test and is crying and feeking bad when other people, myself included barely made it past the 54% cut off mark.

It pisses me off when I’m stuck with one line from a song, and I have no idea where I heard it from or who sang it.

My Aunt Raped Me At 13!" - Ice Prince Panshak Zamani

“I started singing in the choir when I was about 15,” he begins.  “And at 13 I had my first sexual encounter. I would not say it was a good thing at all.  It’s something I regret whatever it was.  It wasn’t a sweet experience at all.  I had this aunty, though we were not related, she was just a neighbor who was living close to us, who came into my room and slept with me.  
“It wasn’t a good experience at all.  I was scared, very scared.  I saw hell.  It was a terrible experience.  I am not excited talking about it at all.  Sex is not that good.  I think sex is over-rated.  I don’t know.  
“She just came into my room and just forced me to do it with her…  Oh, let’s not talk about it.  I was so young and innocent.  But she made me lose my innocence.  The woman is still alive.  I don’t think I have even seen her since then.”  

Cars Santa Should Live in My Driveway

MINI Inspired by Goodwood

For the MINI Inspired by Goodwood, BMW, which owns both MINI and Rolls-Royce, raided the Roller parts bin to create a superluxe interior for the supersmall commuter, including burr walnut trim pieces, floor mats made of lamb's wool and cashmere-lined storage trays. The high-price MINI, which is mechanically identical to the Cooper S, also wears Black Diamond exterior paint, a color otherwise exclusive to Rolls-Royce vehicles.

Ford Mustang Boss 302 Laguna Seca

The Ford Mustang Boss 302 is the Blue Oval's "race car with a license plate" — a track-oriented performance machine packing a 5.0-liter 440-horsepower V8 engine, as well as improved aerodynamics and a stiffer suspension. The exclusive Laguna Seca edition is even Bossier, with a stiffer body and suspension and, in true race-car form, no rear seat, to reduce weight. It offers the same aerodynamic package in the Ford Racing Boss 302R, and the same quad exhaust system as the base 302. 

Shelby Super Cars Tuatara

Essentially, this midengine, rear-wheel-drive supercar is more over-the-top than anything else on the road. It seats two, has carbon-fiber everything and puts out an insane 1,350 horsepower and 1,042 lb-ft of torque. If that's not a gift to cherish, we don't know what is.

Porsche 911 Black Edition

With all the variants of the Porsche 911, it's hard to stand out in a crowd. But the Black Edition 911 is an automotive anomaly: a special-edition vehicle that costs less than its standard counterpart. The Black Edition is, in effect, a specialty parts package. It receives the same 3.6-liter 345-horsepower flat-6 engine as the 911 Carrera, but gets a blacked-out theme both inside — black instrument cluster, black rear console, sport steering wheel, black lettering on the sill plates — and outside, with Solid Black or Basalt Black Metallic exterior paint options and black brake calipers.

Ferrari FF Neiman Marcus Edition

Ferrari's $300,000, 4-seat, all-wheel-drive FF shooting brake was the featured vehicle in the 2011 Neiman Marcus holiday catalog. Neiman Marcus upped the ante by $95,000, but for the extra bucks you get an exclusive color — Grigio Caldo — an interior commemorative plaque and a spot at the automaker's 2012 Winter Driving Experience in Aspen, Colo. Oh, and you take delivery of the car in the spring 2012, skipping Ferrari's usual two-year waiting period. If that sounds worth the money to you, you are unfortunately out of luck.

Genevieve Nnaji Loses Major Role to Omotola Jalade-Ekeinde

Genevieve Nnaji loses role to Omotola Jalad-Ekeinde, and their supposed to be big time rivals I gathered. Apparently, Genevieve had to travel to America, and since the producer didn't want to delay productions for the film, he decided to take Omotola.

I don't know the type of role it is, because these two actresses are totally different in personality, acting, and appearance obviously. So I don't get the sharp decision to change actors and actresses for changing sake. I'm beginning to think he was just interested in big names not who was perfect for the role. Let us see how it turns out sha.

The film is a high budget movie though, and it's going to be directed by Teco Benson. As a matter of fact, Omotola is already on location, and has started filming.  I Will give updates.

Things That Piss me Off #2

It pisses me off when they pair Ramsey Noah and a local chick as lead roles in a Nollywood movie, and instead of Ramsey to dull down his accent, he takes it up a notch, and the chick, hoping to outdo him, starts trying to do her own foreign accent, except her own sounds tacky and really local.

It pisses me off when I get something new, like a phone or some new gadget, and people want to open it for me and test it for me like I am crippled or something.

It pisses me off when I’m supposed to have a test, and I’ve read the whole textbook, except the last two pages just cos I thought they were irrelevant, only to discover that that’s actually where the questions are coming from.

It pisses me off when I ask someone a question and they’re like “Eh!” but if you chill for a second, suddenly their head reboots, and they answer it. OMG, I do that to pple to.

It pisses me off when I’m asked a question in class, and I barely know the answer, and then when they ask a random classmate the same question, instead of answering the question lightly, she quotes a whole fracking paragraph of the textbook, and even goes ahead to give references to other textbooks, like she needs to show the teacher just how dumb I am.

It pisses me off when I’m following instructions from a video, maybe on YouTube, on a project, and even though I do exactly what the instructor says, I get the wrong result, meanwhile the instructor who’s also doing it, gets a perfect result. Don’t think we viewers don’t know you messed up too, and edited the video so we think you got it.

It pisses me off when every tom, Dick and Harry thinks they can afford the luxury of having haters, then when you sit back and look at their life or what they’ve done to have haters, you can’t see anything.

It pisses me off when someone takes over my duty or job, and does it way better than me, and everyone expects me to be jealous and all, but I am not, but because I think everyone expects me to be, I try to put up a very happy face to show that I’m really not bothered, but it comes out all fake, indirectly confirming their thoughts.

It pisses me off when people try to use big words in their sentences just to make them feel important, but when you look into the dictionary to find the meaning, you realize that the words have nothing to do with the context it was used in.

It also pisses me off when people use meaningful but big words to make them feel super, when there were other simpler words to use. Then you blame your neighbors, calling them wicked for not coming out to help you when your house was on fire. How the frack do you expect them to know that CONFLAGRATION! Means fire.

It pisses me off when people lick their cue tips (I knew them as cotton boards back in those days) before cleaning their ears with it. Jeez! Don’t you think if it was necessary, the manufactures would have provided a liquid companion?

An Idiot's POV, on how to become successful

Okay this is probably going to be the most adult post I am ever going to put out, so allow me the liberty, (clears throat and flexes fingers). Please take the title of this post seriously, it's an idiot's point of view so this post is idiotically correct and there will be proofs.


The criteria to be successful and famous are

1. YOU MUST HAVE HAD A REALLY HOPELESS BACKGROUND: And by hopeless I don't mean you have a house and a car but you’re swimming in debts. No I mean hopeless, as in you have no house, no job, you live on welfare, even cockroaches run away from you. If you had a mean father and a drunk of a mum, PERFFECTTTTT! Let's take a look at some examples.

MAMA J, for instance though her mum wasn't a drunk, you get the point. She wasn't all that happy with her father, and she was leaving in squalor. Seriously it works. Go on sell off all your stuffs, have them burnt or something, and start from scratch and see what happens. It also makes for great press story, imagine if MAMA J had been writing ever since and decided to do Harry Potter series as her second series or something, it won't have that grand effect, people would be like "Oh well, she was always rich so this is just an added bonus and then she'll get maybe a week or two of press attention, and that's all. Need I talk about Will smith's back ground, Li ka shing lost his father, Roman Abramovich was an orphan (It gets better) Mama O, aka Oprah was born to an unwed teenager in Mississippi, Richard Desmond's parents were divorced. Notice the trail of hopeless beginnings, if this does not send you a message I have no idea what else will, and it’s an Idiots point of view.



2. YOU MUST HAVE BEEN REJECTED AT ONE POINT IN YOUR LIFE:
At least you must have received a rather nasty bout of rejections, the more the better, and in conjunction with my first criterion, it makes for a good back story, and you get to gloat at those that rejected you. Mama J is one solid example, HARRY POTTER was rejected by twelve publishers, then we have Stephanie Meyer to whom an agent went as far as telling that she couldn't write a good story to save her life, and the greatest of all, Amanda Hockings, who was rejected by everybody and decided to do it on her own, and now she is one of the highest selling indie author.
So my dears if you've been doing so good that you have never gotten a rejection, you're doing something very wrong, and chances are that you'll remain mediocre.

3. YOU MUST DO SOMETHING SO ABNORMAL OR DISGUSTING OR SO WEIRD THAT IT SEEMS AS IF IT RELATES TO THE OCCULT...
I just have two words and a picture for you all, Lady
GAGA

4. YOU MUST THINK OF SOMETHING SPONTANEOUSLY AND OUT OF THE BLUES:
To all those planners, careful people, this is something you have to pay attention to. Look at JK ROWLING, "My train was running late and the idea just came into my head" and Stephanie Meyer, "I had this dream about a boy and a girl," she says exhilaratingly to Ellen DeGeneres. "But there was something about the boy, he was glittering, and he was a vampire." There's no better example than this. They both planned nothing, their ideas did not come as a result of months and months of planning, one thought of it and the other dreamed of it there. So all you novelists that plan and write from experience, I am sorry to burst your bubbles, you're doing it all wrong, don't plan, do something spontaneous.

5: IT HELPS IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP WITH YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS CALL YOU A LOSER:
This cannot be overemphasized because why, it gives you the extra torque to push you forward and prove them all wrong. Let’s take Mark Zuckerberg for example (DO NOT BOTHER TO COMMENT THAT IT'S A LIE MARK, I'LL SPAM YOU). Throw in a lawsuit which you win hands down, we've got the recipe for a perfect billionaire. So readers if you have friends who give you encouragement and who believe in you, ditch them and go for friends that are users, and ungrateful blithering idiots it works. FYI if you're a girl, get a boyfriend that beats you a lot, but there's a warning to that, you must have some kind of status already, if not RIRI won't have pulled it off with Chris Breezy. It's really not that difficult, try to get at least a thousand friends on face book anybody accepts anybody's friend request this days, provoke your boyfriend enough so he gets to beat you to a pulp (your other girlfriends should hide somewhere with cameras) then post it on you-tube, adding this "all I could do was just watch and pray that it would all stop."

6. IT HELPS IF YOU DIE IN THE MOST REMARKABLE WAY: Here are some examples.
a) Dying while trying to separate two lionesses going at each other.
b) Stepping in front of someone just in time to take a bullet for him.
c)Dying for a girlfriend, only for the press to discover she' s been cheating all this while, and is still doing so to heal her post-your-death depression.
d)Dying for your boyfriend (who's happily married by the way with four kids, and one is graduating high school in a week) and somehow letting the press know about this.
e) Or crashing a plane with the passengers just because you blame yourself for the mishap that happened at your house the other day.


7. YOU MUST HAVE BEEN MOLESTED AT ONE POINT IN YOUR LIFE: This point, the power of molestation, cannot be overemphasized and it's probably the most important. It almost cost me my life. It's a funny story actually I was doing a report on famous people who had been molested or traumatized and I came up with a lot of names. The patterns were similar, abusive dads, drunken mums, wicked brothers, corrupt uncles and aunties. So now, I take a bowl of cereals, walk up to my aunt Clara and show her my report asking her to molest me if she wants me to be popular and famous. Repulsed, she shoves me away but I beg and beg and finally, and with an exasperated sigh, she goes into her secret cupboard under the floorboard and brings out a bottle of Hydrochloric acid she has been saving for her husband, (that is if he ever returns) and threatens to pour it on me if I don't stop. Then she goes ahead to tell my parents who flog me to an inch of my life, and destroy my months of hard work and research. To mention a few people and to add some pictures, we have Mama O aka Oprah, Tyler Perry, Monique, need I mention more.
Maybe if they weren't molested they would not have reached where they are today.

SUMMARY: I might not be making any sense or this is an idiotic post, heck you might say all this info is wrong, but hey I'm an idiot posting on J.O Jones blog, so sit your ass down, read this till the very end, read it one last time, and add another idiotic criterion to becoming rich, and just in case you are in doubt, go to Google and type in world’s most successful idiot, my name is on the very top of FORBES LIST.

Review of Essence's song - Slide

My feelings for Essence still hasn't changed even though it's been long since I last watched any of her videos or listened to her songs, which is about five or six years ago or there about. But what is this, I don't even know who to blame, whether Clarence the director or Essence. The video looked too scattered jo like an amateur's job.

I'm sure very soon now they'll say that's the effect they were looking for, or that it is a spoof or something. Don't even let me start with the song lyrics.

I can use it as incantation because she was literally saying the same thing over and over again.

Don't get me wrong oh, the video is okay generally speaking, but from an old timer like Essence I expected better, and that's without adding the fact that our music/video industry has gone hay-wire in an awesome way.

The lyrics shifts from telling people to slide to the left, then to the right, then to the floor, then stop. Then she instructs us to keep our body's moving, then we shouldn't stop, we shouldn't stop, we shouldn't stop, then maybe when she's tired, she now instructs us to stop.

Then she continues giving instructions to bring it down, bring it down. If this was a soundtrack to an exercise video work out she is releasing, I could have related with it.

On a less related note sha, I think she's still got her looks. She looks really good in the video, sexy shape and facially good. But what can I say, with the exercise song she released, let me even buy the album and listen to the other songs there.

An Idiot's POV, on how to become successful

Okay this is probably going to be the most idiotic ost I am ever going to put out, so allow me the liberty, (clears throat and flexes fingers). Please take the title of this post seriously, it's an idiot's point of view so this post is idiotically correct and I have the evidence for it.

The criteria to be successful and famous are

1. YOU MUST HAVE HAD A REALLY HOPELESS BACKGROUND: And by hopeless I don't mean you have a house and a car but you’re swimming in debts. No I mean hopeless, as in you have no house, no job, you live on welfare, even cockroaches run away from you. If you had a mean father and a drunk of a mum, PERFFECTTTTT! Let's take a look at some examples.

MAMA J, for instance though her mum wasn't a drunk, you get the point. She wasn't all that happy with her father, and she was leaving in squalor. Seriously it works. Go on sell off all your stuffs, have them burnt or something, and start from scratch and see what happens. It also makes for great press story, imagine if MAMA J had been writing ever since and decided to do Harry Potter series as her second series or something, it won't have that grand effect, people would be like "Oh well, she was always rich so this is just an added bonus and then she'll get maybe a week or two of press attention, and that's all. Need I talk about Will smith's back ground, Li ka shing lost his father, Roman Abramovich was an orphan (It gets better) Mama O, aka Oprah was born to an unwed teenager in Mississippi, Richard Desmond's parents were divorced. Notice the trail of hopeless beginnings, if this does not send you a message I have no idea what else will, and it’s an Idiots point of view. 

2. YOU MUST HAVE BEEN REJECTED AT ONE POINT IN YOUR LIFE:

At least you must have received a rather nasty bout of rejections, the more the better, and in conjunction with my first criterion, it makes for a good back story, and you get to gloat at those that rejected you. Mama J is one solid example, HARRY POTTER was rejected by twelve publishers, then we have Stephanie Meyer to whom an agent went as far as telling that she couldn't write a good story to save her life,  and the greatest of all, Amanda Hockings, who was rejected by everybody and decided to do it on her own, and now she is one of the highest selling indie author.

So my dears if you've been doing so good that you have never gotten a rejection, you're doing something very wrong, and chances are that you'll remain mediocre.

3. YOU MUST DO SOMETHING SO ABNORMAL OR DISGUSTING OR SO WEIRD THAT IT SEEMS AS IF IT RELATES TO THE OCCULT...

I just have two words and a picture for you all, Lady Gaga

4. YOU MUST THINK OF SOMETHING SPONTANEOUSLY AND OUT OF THE BLUES: 

To all those planners, careful people, this is something you have to pay attention to. Look at JK ROWLING, "My train was running late and the idea just came into my head" and Stephanie Meyer, "I had this dream about a boy and a girl," she says exhilaratingly to Ellen DeGeneres. "But there was something about the boy, he was glittering, and he was a vampire." There's no better example than this. They both planned nothing, their ideas did not come as a result of months and months of planning, one thought of it and the other dreamed of it there. So all you novelists that plan and write from experience, I am sorry to burst your bubbles, you're doing it all wrong, don't plan, do something spontaneous.

5: IT HELPS IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP WITH YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS CALL YOU A LOSER:

This cannot be overemphasized because why, it gives you the extra torque to push you forward and prove them all wrong. Let’s take Mark Zuckerberg for example (DO NOT BOTHER TO COMMENT THAT IT'S A LIE MARK, I'LL SPAM YOU). Throw in a lawsuit which you win hands down, we've got the recipe for a perfect billionaire. So readers if you have friends who give you encouragement and who believe in you, ditch them and go for friends that are users, and ungrateful blithering idiots it works. FYI if you're a girl, get a boyfriend that beats you a lot, but there's a warning to that, you must have some kind of status already, if not RIRI won't have pulled it off with Chris Breezy. It's really not that difficult, try to get at least a thousand friends on face book anybody accepts anybody's friend request this days, provoke your boyfriend enough so he gets to beat you to a pulp (your other girlfriends should hide somewhere with cameras) then post it on you-tube, adding this "all I could do was just watch and pray that it would all stop." 

6. IT HELPS IF YOU DIE IN THE MOST REMARKABLE WAY: Here are some examples.

a) Dying while trying to separate two lionesses going at each other.

b) Stepping in front of someone just in time to take a bullet for him.

c)Dying for a girlfriend, only for the press to discover she' s been cheating all this while, and is still doing so to heal her post-your-death depression.

d)Dying for your boyfriend (who's happily married by the way with four kids, and one is  graduating high school in a week) and somehow letting the press know about this.

e) Or crashing a plane with the passengers just because you blame yourself for the mishap that happened at your house the other day.

7. YOU MUST HAVE BEEN MOLESTED AT ONE POINT IN YOUR LIFE: This point, the power of molestation, cannot be overemphasized and it's probably the most important.  It almost cost me my life. It's a funny story actually I was doing a report on famous people who had been molested or traumatized and I came up with a lot of names. The patterns were similar, abusive dads, drunken mums, wicked brothers, corrupt uncles and aunties. SO I decided maybe it could work for me too.

So now, I take a bowl of cereals, walk up to my aunt Clara and show her my report asking her to molest me if she wants me to be popular and famous. Repulsed, she shoves me away but I beg and beg and finally, and with an exasperated sigh, she goes into her secret cupboard under the floorboard and brings out a bottle of Hydrochloric acid she has been saving for her husband, (that is if he ever returns) and threatens to pour it on me if I don't stop. Then she goes ahead to tell my parents who flog me to an inch of my life, and destroy my months of hard work and research. 

To mention a few more people, we have Mama O a.k.a Oprah, Tyler Perry, Monique, need I mention more.

Maybe if they weren't molested they would not have reached where they are today.

SUMMARY: I might not be making any sense or this is an idiotic post, heck you might say all this info is wrong, but hey I'm an idiot posting on J.O Jones blog, so sit your ass down, read this till the very end, read it one last time, and add another idiotic criterion to becoming rich, and just in case you are in doubt, go to Google and type in world’s most successful idiot, my name is on the very top of FORBES LIST.